Gone
by misssophie23
Summary: "So, so you send him home to die?" Life isn't fair. Life sucks. Life means to die. Major Character Death. No happy ending!


Hello guys, I hope you are still alive? The hiatus is fucking me up already – it's been only a month and it feels like forever. Well, a few of you probably remember, that my grandpa died three months ago. Some days I miss him like hell and I think I still haven't process the fact that he will never come back and gosh, writing this makes me cry again because it makes it so real. But at the same time it feels so unreal and yeah, it sucks. So, this is something I think I had to write and I'm still not sure if I really should share it because it's so personal. This isn't a happy fanfic at all!

If you want to read it you have to know that it will be **angst and sad and that death is waiting for you along these lines**. Especially the last part is very, very personal and very real and I know that it will be hard to comment on this because of the background info you have, so yeah – I would love to read what you are thinking but I can totally understand if you won't comment. It's a hard thing to read after all …

… the next (multichapter) ff will be a happy one. I promise. But this is something I had to do … thanks to my lovely beta Pandora who usually don't beta angst and did it anyway. Thank you for the corrections and helping me through all my writing struggles.

 **Gone**

Clarke snuggled closer into Bellamy's side, whose arm was around her middle, rubbing soft circles on her hipbone, while Clarke's arm laid over his stomach. He coughed a few times and the blonde had to hold onto herself not to say anything. Instead she eyed him carefully, which created an annoyed look on Bellamy's face. She was worried. Bellamy didn't feel any better after he got sick for three weeks and he usually never got a cold. She chewed on her bottom lip, her eyes flying over his pale and slightly sweaty skin, when she opened her mouth seconds later to tell him to see a doctor already but before that Bellamy got on his feet, telling her he would get them some sweets.

"And I will go to the doc on Monday. I promise." He gave her a peck on her cheek, tired of them fighting about his health the whole day and head towards the kitchen, leaving her and the two kids alone. Clarke's eyes remained on the door long after Bellamy was gone. She sighed lowly and turned towards the TV. Their kids caught her gaze and a smile spread over her face when she saw how Augustus, the seven year old boy, was cuddling with his four year old little sister Livia. He **held** her close to his chest and both were so lost in the movie – the aristocats – that they didn't even notice that their father was getting them something to eat. She always loved those quiet movie nights. Because of his job as a firefighter Bellamy couldn't attend these nights as often as Clarke wished he would. Mostly he was on on-call duty or took nightshifts, so he could spend the afternoons with the kids (and the money he got for it wasn't even bad either). So evenings like this were very unique and Clarke enjoyed every second of it.

Some time passed by and Clarke started to wonder what Bellamy was taking so long, so she walked into the kitchen to look after him and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw him. Her heart jumped, while her body froze to death for a second before a squeak escaped her mouth, "Bellamy!" Within three seconds she kneeled right next to him on the floor. The heat and the panic rushing through her body when she realized that blood ran through Bellamy's fingers. He crouched on the floor, hand pressing over his mouth, shaking.

"Oh my god Bellamy", panicked Clarke and didn't know what to do. Her eyes flickered over his painful face. He groaned, retched and more blood was slipping out of his mouth. His skin was pale, paler than it has been the last few days and then Clarke saw the pool of blood in front of Bellamy. Her whole body was shaking when she stumbled up, grabbing the phone and calling 911.

The ambulance arrived ten minutes later. With blood on her hands she opened the door, thanking God that the kids still didn't notice anything. She rushed into the kitchen where Bellamy was still lying on the floor. She had put a cold cloth on his skin, trying to ease his pain but knowing that she barley helped him. Tears were pooling in her eyes when she saw that Bellamy blacked out. Panic rose in her chest. He retched blood! A lot! That wasn't good and now he fainted and her whole body started to shake again while one of the paramedics searched for his pulse … and didn't find any.

The man started to resuscitate Bellamy the exact moment Augustus and Livia walked into the kitchen. Clarke almost jumped in shock because she had totally forgotten about them. As soon as she saw them, Clarke pushed them back. She didn't want them to see their father like this. But of course she knew that it was too late. She knew it when she saw Augustus big eyes, full with fear and Livia who held onto her brother's arm tightly. Clarke tried to stay as calm as possible.

"What's wrong with dad?" Asked Gustus and his voice was shaking as bad as Clarke felt. The woman swallowed, focusing on staying calm. She had to be strong. She couldn't cry, not in front of their kids.

"Daddy isn't feeling well right now and –"

"But he is going to be okay, isn't he?"

Her throat tightened. Is Bellamy going to be okay? Hopefully. Because right now all Clarke knew was that he was resuscitated in their own kitchen after spitting blood. Her stomach clenched and she swallowed hard. As much as she tried not to give anything away, her voice broke away when she whispered,

"Yeah, yeah he is."

They took him to the hospital **right away so they didn't have a** chance to say goodbye. What if this was the last time she had seen him? What if, what if the last conversation they had was them fighting about him being reckless about his own health? Her hands were shaking so badly that she needed three tries to dial the number correctly. While she was waiting her eyes flicker towards her kids on the couch. She put on another movie, telling Augustus to watch out for his sister, while she needed to make a call.

It was bad. It had to be a nightmare.

"Don't you think that it's a little too late for calling me? Even for you princess." Snarled Murphy on the end of the line and Clarke grabbed the phone a little harder.

She took a shaky breath and her voice was raspy when she started to speak, but nothing more than "Murphy" came out of her mouth along with a sob.

"Shit! Shit Clarke what happened?" He knew immediately that something was wrong. His voice was sharp, focused and caring.

Clarke took a deep breath. She couldn't cry, not now! She had to be strong! And so she closed her eyes. But when she said "Bellamy" her voice broke and she burst into tears. Bellamy was about to die. She was so sure because of all of this blood and him being senseless. The pictures popped into her head and she sobbed even harder, pressing her hand over the mouth to hush it down. She didn't want the kids to hear her. She was still crying when she told Murphy what happened.

"… and I don't want them to be here alone and Octavia is still on holiday and you- "

"No, no problem Clarke. I'll come over. Emori and I will be there in five, ten max. Don't worry Clarke. He- he will be okay. I'll call Miller so he can drive you to the hospital."

"No, no it's okay. I can-"

"Like hell you will Clarke! Don't you dare drive on your own! Miller will pick you up." She could hear muffled sounds in the background, Emori and him were probably putting on their shoes and jackets while John was talking to her.

Clarke wanted to argue but she knew that Murphy was right. She shouldn't drive on her own. She didn't want to drive on her own. "Thank you," mumbled Clarke and silent tears were running down her face after Murphy hung up. Her eyes flicker to the kids once again, locking her gaze with her older son who was looking at her in total worry. Holding his sister in his arms.

She sat in front of the doctor in his office two and a half hours later. Miller had to wait outside because he wasn't family. Not by law at least. Her fingers were shaking, so she held tightly onto the sleeves of her jacket when the doctor sighed quietly and by that (and by the pitiful look in his eyes) Clarke knew that something was wrong. That something was very wrong.

"Mrs. Blake Griffin, I – I don't think that there is any reason why I should try to set up your hopes and beat around the bushes. Your husband, Bellamy, he – he has a lung fibrosis. A pretty bad one."

Her stomach dropped at these words. She swallowed and felt how the first tear already fell down her face.

"But, but how? He, he never smoked, he eats well and **he takes care of his body**. I can't-"

"There are different factors but it seems like his job as a firefighter and a couple of other things are the reason for this."

Silence. Clarke tried to **understand** the doctor's words. She breathed in and out loudly, shakily before she asked a question where she was sure she already knew the answer.

"What are the procedures? What can you do?"

The man's eyes shot away for a split of a second and Clarke knew. She just knew that it was too late.

"We, we'll try everything we can Mrs. Blake, but … in all honesty? There isn't much hope. If we are lucky we can give him a little more than six months to live."

What followed were weeks of special procedures, surgeries and seeing the doctor every two weeks for medical infusions.

Helplessly Clarke had to watch how Bellamy got weaker and weaker. He lost more and more of his weight, but always being the optimist. Even though Clarke knew that he knew that she knew that he was only being brave for their kids. Just like her!

When Bellamy came home from the hospital for the first time he could lift Augustus and Livia up almost without any effort.

The second time he could only pick up Livia.

And he got barley out of the bed on his own after the third time.

"So, so you send him home to die?"

It had been three months since they got the diagnosis. And now the doctor was telling her that they couldn't help him anymore? That it would cause him more pain than relief if they continued? Tears were burning in her eyes, rage boiled inside of her and fear crawled upon the back of her head. Fear and the knowledge that it might be over sooner than she wanted.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Blake Griffin. We did everything we can, but I think it's the best for him to spend the last days at home."

"Days?" Repeated Clarke in shock and her breath raked. She was about to panic.

"How, how long does he have?" Her voice was thick with tears, low and cracking.

The doctor sighed, "Five days, seven max."

Clarke closed her eyes. Her legs were shaking and everything turned upside down. This couldn't be true. It couldn't be. She wanted to yell at the man. Blaming him and the stupid modern medicine for healing everything and saving everyone but not her husband! She wanted do punch him, getting lost into the pain that overtook her, knowing that she would lose Bellamy for good. That there was no going back, no healing. She breathed deep, before looking into the man's eyes, crying, when she thanked him for everything he had done.

Seven days. Seven last days. That was all they had left.

"I'm, I'm sorry Clarke" His voice was weak, husky. It had nothing to do with the deep and strong voice Bellamy always had. His face was sunken, his freckles seemed to vanish.

Clarke shook her head, trying so hard to push the tears out of her eyes while she made his bed once again. Her eyes were focusing on the blanket. She **was unable** to look at him. She didn't want him to see her tearing up again, even when she knew that she couldn't trick him.

"No Bellamy! Don't say it."

He tried to grab her arm but was even too weak for that. "No, listen, please."

Clarke stopped and had a stubborn look on her face when she looked at Bellamy, which made him smile in amusement. Her heart flipped because in that moment he looked so young and healthy again. She loved and hated those rare moments.

He looked into her eyes and his grin started to faint. It got weaker and then sorrow was all that was left **of** his expression. Clarke noticed that she was starting to shake, her gaze softened under these brown eyes and again she was so close to cry.

"I'm sorry that you have to go through this. That I'm dy-"

"No Bellamy! Don't! I don't want to hear all that. We, we can fix this. Together!"

Bellamy snorted a little and yeah, it was a lie. And they both knew it. But, but Clarke wasn't ready to let him go. She didn't want him to leave. This couldn't be their end, it wasn't supposed to be!

"I wish we could." His voice was soft and full with regret. Tears glimmering in his eyes as well. "But we both know that we can't. Not this time." His words were heavy, sad.

Clarke swallowed, still looking into his eyes and it was getting harder and harder not to cry. She didn't want him to worry about her. She couldn't do that to him.

Bellamy's hand searched for hers but he was too weak to **lift** it, so Clarke grabbed his hand and put it on hers. They both were smiling weakly. His breath was rattling.

"I'm sorry Clarke. I just want to apologize for not, not being at your side for the rest of your life as I promised to be." By the sound of his voice she could tell that his throat was glued as much as hers. She bit her bottom lip, holding herself back because she knew that it was important for Bellamy to say all these things. So she let him.

"I'm sorry, we never got to this salsa course you always wanted to go. And that I couldn't be there for most of your amazing movie nights. I'm sorry that I never took you to New York. That we never had our honeymoon because of my work. We always wanted to go but we never did. I'm sorry about the fight we had three years ago about resigning from your job and that we never had sex in the car."

Clarke snorted **in** laughter. At the same time tears were falling down her cheek. She always begged him to take her in the car when they **didn't have** any kids and even after Augustus' and Livia's births she wanted to have sex in the car. But Bellamy always had been the responsible and adult one, telling her no. She couldn't believe that he was apologizing for that!

A satisfied grin laid on Bellamy's lips when she was still smiling about his last regret. His thumb caressed over her skin and sorrow returned into his voice. He swallowed hard, having trouble to speak any further.

Clarke opened her mouth to tell him down, but Bellamy shook his head. "Don't Clarke. Let me, let me finish this, please."

She nodded.

"I'm sorry that I won't be around here any longer to help you with the house and the kids. But I know that the others will be here to help you. I'm sorry I hadn't had the time to build the tree house for Augustus and Livia and that I didn't finish the loft. I know that Wells and Murphy will do much better than me. I … Clarke, I am so sorry for leaving you alone. All of you."

His voice broke away and tears were streaming down his face.

Clarke shook her head, swallowing and whipping away Bellamy's tears with her thumbs while she was crying on her own.

"You don't have to apologize for any of this Bellamy. You are the greatest man I've ever known. I'm the luckiest person in this world because I am your wife and I love you so damn much Bellamy. So much…"

She tried to be brave, tried to smile but she couldn't. She was way too weak and so she leaned down and gave Bellamy a kiss. A long, soft, chaste kiss. She felt how Bellamy swallowed. She could taste his salty tears, or were it hers?

She called them at midday. All of them, so they could spend some time with Bellamy. Everyone who was important to him was there: Miller and Monty, Jasper and Maya, Wells and Raven, Murphy and Emori, Harper and Monroe, Octavia and Lincoln, Abby and Kane.

They all stood around his bed and were talking about all these different things until Bellamy got **unusually** quiet at the evening.

Clarke sat right next to him and their kids were on the bed with Bellamy when Clarke told Augustus and Livia to hug their daddy once more. She had an odd feeling. Something was wrong!

The two kids hugged their father as tightly as they could, telling him how much they love him and Augustus asked Bellamy if you would be at his next soccer game and everyone started to tear up because they knew that there wouldn't be a next time. Clarke bit her bottom lip, not wanting to cry, even though her throat was so tight that she could barely breathe.

Bellamy forced himself to smile and his voice was thick with tears when he said: "I will always be there Gustus." He told him how proud he was of him and Livia and that they should stick together, no matter what. The little boy smiled, even though a little unsecure and hugged his dad once more, telling him how much he loved him before going into the living room with grandma Abby and Kane. Both of them were patting Bellamy's shoulder carefully, eying each other and saying goodbye in knowing silence.

They all shared a look when Bellamy fell even deeper into the pillow, totally exhausted. You could tell how tired and weak he was. That he was done fighting. That he wanted to rest, for good.

But then Bellamy started to speak about old times and they all joined in, laughing together until Bellamy got even quieter. His eyes got heavier and fell down more often, but when it happened he opened them immediately in fear.

Her heart got heavy when she leaned forward to grab his one hand to caressing it and stroking the curls out of his eyes with her other hand. She licked her lips. Her breath got heavy and her eyes flew across his feature.

"It's okay Bell," she whispered. "We are all here. It's okay." Her voice was calm and smooth.

"You don't have to be afraid." Her heart clenched painfully when she could feel how Bellamy started to relax. It was like he had been waiting for these words all the time. He faced her and **it** hurt so bad to see his eyes so pure and clear and warm – just like the first time she had looked into them so many years ago. Her lips curled into a soft smile.

"We'll take care of them," mumbled Miller and they all nodded. "They won't be alone," added Wells and Clarke saw Bellamy swallowing.

"It's okay Bellamy. We are okay," repeated Clarke quietly, "You, you can go now. It's okay."

She didn't cry. Clarke didn't know why but she didn't feel any pain right now, she felt – numb. She felt nothing at all. Her hand was running through his hair softly as she started to whisper,

"In peace may you leave this shore. In love may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels. May we meet again"

She smiled at him, both looking into each other's eyes. Then his breath slowed down, his eyes fell close and the moment the tear fell down her face she knew that he was gone.

Gone after **a promise** to have a lifetime together.

Gone after they **were told** to have six months together.

Gone after they should **have had** seven days together.

Gone after they only had nine years together.

Gone after they had three months and three days only.

Bellamy was gone. Gone for good and he would never **come** back.

No matter how much she would wish for it. No matter how much she wanted him **to**.

Bellamy Blake was gone and with him **went** her heart **too**.


End file.
